I’m just wondering if I was this ignorant at fifteen. These two girls, lets call them Meg and Lynn. Meg hasn’t even finished middle school and refuses to go to school. Lynn did freshman year but now has to redo it because she failed every main class.  She refuses to go back because she doesn’t want to take two englishes, two maths, two social studies, and physical science and biology.  I asked them both, what is it you want in life.  Neither of them know but they have decided that when the time comes they’ll figure it out.  Do they not realize that life doesn’t work that way?  If they don’t get they’re diplomas, life is going to be a real bitch to them.  Reality is going to hit them in the face one of these days.  It’s not going to be pretty at all. Parents are going  to die or if the parent is smart the bum will get kicked out.  You can’t get through this life with no education and these two girls just don’t seem to grasp that idea.  There are people that would kill to have an education and don’t have the means.  Even though our economy is crashing and our education is actually going to the dogs, it’s really better than nothing.  There are people who would kill to have half of what we have. Why are these young girls really being this ignorant?! I really don’t understand their way of thinking. It’s crazy.  The world doesn’t give you second chances.  You screw up, you’ve screwed up.  There are no retests or remakes or redos.

Next, I talked to Enil last night and it broke my heart. some of the things he said made me miss him so much.  I want to hold him and kiss him and lay down next him every night.  There is so much that I want from him that he refuses to give me.  There is so much that my heart aches for and I can’t have.   Why does he make it sound like everything is my fault when in reality he let the most precious thing go.  Why does he not realize he could have had the world had he not pushed me away so hard?  Why is it I still want to give him the world? 

Hung out with Michael’s younger brother today and saw his mom and dad.  His dad looks just like him and Greg and Michael have a lot of the same facial expressions.  It was like seeing a ghost.  It was so scary and so familar at the same time.  I realized that his family was great to me even if he wasn’t great to me all the time.  it was just so… interesting.  So many memories that I had actually forgotten about it was weird.

So this lady last night at the restaurant, all she wanted was free food.  Her and her two kids ordered the same thing.  I went over there and asked her twice… not once… but twice… if her food was good.  She said yeah she liked it.  Come the end of the meal, her two kids had inhaled their plates and cleaned them pretty well.  Her plate is sitting there with only a few bites taken out.  She tells me that the food was gross.  Look lady, had you actually told me that at the beginning of the meal, it could have been fixed.  She talked to the manager and demanded a discount cause she “was going home hungry”.  Whose falt is that? The manager tried to ask her why she didn’t say anything at the beginning of the meal and she said, “I thought it would get better”.  WTF????? Food does not magically get better.  Then she wanted to say that her kids didn’t like it either, the chicken was rubberey, the shrimp was too fishy tasting, and the cheese tasted fake.  That is way too many complaints for one dish.  Lady was laying it on thick I think and apparently her kids enjoyed it if they inhaled it like that. Oliver gave her a two dollar discount. Lol

Kay

Where to start where to start?!

So I finally got as job! Isn’t that exciting. I can’t believe it took me six months to find one in Tennessee and only two weeks to find one here. I don’t know what was up with that.  I’m pretty sure Christian hired me because I kept coming in and looking for a job.  He probably did it so he didn’t have to see me come in asking about it again.  Seriously though, I went in four different times.  It all worked out though.  Christian gave me a week trial.  I came in the first day and he toldme I was hired within three hours of the start of this trial. XD Then he said I would do a week’s worth of training.  Well way to go with that one because that turned into only two days of training.  I worked this weekend and it was great.  Made some pretty good tips and even made some friends.  We even went clubbing Saturday night.  Totally amazed my dad let me go though.  That was seriously worth it though.  It was awesome. XD I danced all night long with random guys.  I ended up going home with two different phone numbers.  Found out one of the guys actually lives in the same town that my dad’s girlfriend lives in.  That’s not too bad.  Not to mention he’s damn sexy.  Great for a distraction and everyone knows I need one of those.  He’s 24, latino, and has a job.  His name is Wilmer.  I’m actually pretty sure that I’ve got a huge thing for latino guys now.  Don’t know why but I do.  There is one down side to this particular guy.  His english is so sketchy.  He doesn’t know it very well and I’m not very well with Spanish either.  I think I would need a constant translator.  How sad is that?  But he is definatly good looking.  Dad doesn’t exactly like my thing for Latinos.  He is amazingly racist.  Perhaps this has something to do with the way Enil treated me.  I’m really not sure on why he wants to talk shit about any latino guy I talk about dating.  It isn’t his decision.  It’s mine.  And only mine.

Speaking of Enil, I talk to him less and less.  It makes my heart ache thinking about how much I miss him.  I feel like there is a little peice of me that died inside.  And it really does suck.  I’ve been trying really hard not to fight with him everytime that we talk.  It’s really hard though.  All I want to ask is why he wanted this?  Why he decided to push me so far away that I went to someone else?  Why does it matter that I went to someone else when we weren’t even together?!  I really just want to scream at him and bitch slap him.  That would make me feel a little better about how he decided to use me as a rag doll.  I really wish I had gotten up off the floor fast enough to really sock him one good punch for that.  He deserves that and so much more.  He doesn’t deserve me or anything that I have to offer a man.  I wish I would have realized that the first time he broke my heart and decided I wasn’t good enough for him.  I’m more pissed off now than I am hurt.  But I actually think I am on to stage three of post break up.  Would that be reckless flirting and ignoring his feelings?  I think that is what it is.  I’m ready for some harmless flirting.  Am I ready for a serious relationship?  No no no no no no no no no no no.  Not by a long shot but I am ready to have some fun and forget about the pain and anger that is eating at my heart.

Matt Parker, I will call you out on this, if you want to talk to me, and I’m assuming that you do… just text me or message me on facebook.  Do so directly and not by means of tumblr.  I only read this once a month, if even that now.  I’m not on here nearly as regularly as I used to be.  You should also call out exactly who you are referring to when you post things.  I would appreciate it.  I’ve already told you, I’m done playing games.  If anyone has a right to play mind games or anything of the sort, it is me.  So if you want to talk to me, like I’ve already said, do not beat around this bush in hopes that I will get your subtle hints.  I have no intention of playing the hint game.  So text me if you want to talk me. 

Well I’m ready to hit the sack people.

Kali

Its been a long time since i’ve done one of these, and so much shit has happened since i’ve done it. Alot of personal things really, and a few things that i dont want to cover because, well i dont want to. I’ve started persuing a carrier in Hip Hop, well not really a carrier, more of something to…

 you should probably text this dear friend of yours. that wold make things so much simpler instead of posting this on tumblr, which i do read, only not as often as you are assuming i read. so text me and we’ll talk. but ive told you already, im not going to sit and play games with you. if you want to talk, actually text me instead of beating around the bush and tumblr about how you miss me. okay?

kay

I’m still feeling really lonely. I’ve been trying to find a job here and it feels nearly impossible. Found out you can be a bartender in Walton County at eighteen with no permit. That wouldn’t be a bad idea for a job. The only problem is it is hard to find a bartending job here. :(

Started talking to Michael again but I’m not sure that’s even worth starting back up. I mean I know he loves me like crazy. After two years apart. I know he does. He misses me and all kinds of stuff. But there is a part of me that just sees him as kind of cocky and stupid now. I don’t think I saw that before. *sigh* There is goign to have to be a way to get him off my mind. I think the only reason why I’m even talking to him is because I know he loves me and the fact that Enil is such a dick and won’t even talk to me is driving me crazy. :( I just really want to bitch slap him… kinda. I just want him out of my head. I need to just find a job and meet new people. The people you meet in the middle of the day while you’re not doing anything and the rest of the real world is at work, can’t be good people. They’re probably bums just like me and I really don’t need to be dating a bum.

Katie is my friend again on facebook but the question is will she start talking to me again at all or is that just hopefull thinking. I miss that girl like crazy. We got real close real fast. I hate that I haven’t talked to her in a while. We had so much in common and we could tell each other anything without the other one judging. One of my few friends that I could do that with. I have quite a few friends that do judge me and I do realize that they do. I also realize I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed. I’ve made some pretty dumb mistakes. The only thing is I’m so sick of people telling me about my mistakes. Trust me, I know what I’ve done and I know the reasons behind what I was doing. I don’t need anybody else to tell me what I did was a mistake. Please just let me deal with them on my own.

I really don’t know what else to say. That’s my feelings in a nutshell. I’m just mildly depressed. I really hope that I get to feeling better soon.

KAY

So my life again, must start all over. This time it will start similarly where it began. I’m back in Georgia to stay now. I’ll be staying Monroe with my dad, which is the last place in the world I want to stay. I feel incredibly depressed, hurt, rejected, unwanted, and in need of setting a certain someone on fire. Let’s do a little recap shall we?

So, Enil found out about Daniel. Found out what I did while we were broken up. First of all, yes, Enil and I were broken up and had been for several weeks. So no, I did not cheat on him!! That makes me so mad that Enil is saying that I did. NO I DID NOT!! Secondly, why is it that every good thing I have done for Enil has not mattered. It has not ever been enough for him that I love him, gave him everything I had and was willing to give him the world. He continued to throw my heart away and rip out my soul. Day after day he did this. So why, the one remotely bad thing I do, which wasn’t even that bad, is the reason that he comes in and is freaking out. I thought I was going to have to take this man to the hospital. His fingers got cold and rigid to where he couldn’t move them. Then his jaw locked up and he was saying he couldn’t breath. I seriously thought I was going to have to take him to the hospital. Then the real fight started. I told him everything. We started yelling at each other and I am amazed that nobody in the building called the cops. He tried to leave and I stood in the way of the door, fighting for some answers to my questions. I deserved at least that much. First time Enil was looking for his keys and threw me across the room. I got back up and blocked again. The second time, he threw me against the wall and i hit the table or something. I’m not sure what I hit but I’ve got a cut across my back where I hit it and then bruises on my arm from where he grabbed me and flung me. I also have bruses on my back and shoulder. My neck got hurt somehow too. The only reason why I have not called the cops right now is because of Haylee and Alex. Enil would get deported and Haylee and Alex would not have Enil to send them money. I know that they need him even if he isn’t physically there. He can’t support them from Honduras.

Well after I got hurt he ran out of the apartment with none of his stuff. I grabbed my money, my puppy, my phone, and my keys and left. Put fifty dollars worth of gas in the truck and called Daniel. Thought he should know what was going on especially cause it kind of involved him. Well he was a better friend than I thought. He said sorry for everything and said that everybody had over reacted. He talked to me for a good hour or so until he finally got to get some sleep. I drove all the way to Conyers. Got lost in spaghetti junction. I stayed at my dad’s ex’s house all day yesterday and last night. I stayed and chilled with Billy. It is so odd that no matter how many fights me and he has been in and how often we decide we’re never going to talk to each other again, I always show up randomly and then we are automatically best friends. No matter what the previous fight had been about. Oh I remember how when I was with Michael and Billy wanted me so badly to be his. We had the perfect, Bella, Edward, and Jacob thing going on. We always have.

So yeah and now that I’m here my dad is making me mad. He doesn’t have a job right now. FAIL!! Not only does he not have a job, his house phone has been cut off. Go Dad!! He’s pretty much been staying at his girlfriend’s Karen’s house, which is where I am now. He makes me so mad. He’s trying to start a lawn mowing business. Isn’t that what ten year old boys do so that they can save the money and buy the bike their parents say they need to work for? Ugh, retarded!!

Oh and there is a kicker to the Enil thing. Brandi knows. I still don’t know if I am or not yet. We shall see this week though. :(

I love all my friends. Angie, Matt, Brandi, Brie, Rachel, Naomi, Cassie, Daniel, Katie Mae, and Billy. Even after all the shit he did, I still love Enil too. I know I’m stupid. One of my friends should bitch slap me. I love you guys though.

Kali

I have decided that I am undecisive about what I want right now. It’s insane. I love him. Nobody knows why I love him, including me, but I do. And I would do anything to be with him. Well ALMOST ANYTHING. The one thing he wants me to do I’m not sure I can do. He wants to change me in so many ways. Eventually I’m not going to be me anymore. Why must religion be such a huge factor in this relationship? Why can’t he let it go and let me have faith in something? How can you ask someone to stop believing in what they believe? Would he rather me be atheist and not believe in anything? How do you just stop believing in something. There are reasons for every decision that we make. How can I stop believing in something without reason for it? That just feels impossible to me. I can say that I stopped believing in something but in my heart and soul I know that I can’t. I don’t understand any of this. He says that if it weren’t for this then we would probably already be engaged. Marriage? Really? Me? I don’t want to get married. Not right now. I’m not sure if I will ever be ready for marriage. I know that if I get married, I’m in it forever. When I say my vows, promising to love someone through sickness and health and blah blah blah, then I mean it. I won’t go back on them. Divorce is something that I absolutely do not believe in. The way we break up and get back together, makes it look like it would eventually lead to divorce. I don’t want that at all. Divorce is something I never plan to experiance. It’s not something I want to experiance. EVER!!

Ugh I don’t know what I want right now. I love all my friends here that read this. Later!!

Kali :(

For the first time he is actually trying. I wish he knew how much I appreciate it. We fought and for once he didn’t tell me that he didn’t want to be with me just because of one fight. It wasn’t really a fight, I was just in a bad mood and him coming in when he did didn’t make it any better. As a matter of fact my blood was just boiling and building up pressure. For the first time we talked things through and now everything is okay. XD I really do appreciate it. I think maybe the conversation he had with his mom really helped. I owe her big time I think.

Work sucks!! Oh how I hate the smell of ice cream now. I’ve still got my sweet tooth, unfortunately, but I hate hate hate despise the smell of ice cream now. It just stinks. It has the sweet smell but it’s got the cold smell of milk mixed in. I wish I could describe why I hate it so bad. Even worse, I hate smelling like it. YUCK!! It really is gross.

As for the Bonaroo people… GO HOME!! I DON’T LIKE YOU GUYS!! We have people here from all over the world. Australia, Spain, Guatamala, New York, California, Oklahoma, Oregon. I mean EVERYWHERE!! These people do not know how to drive and OMG THEY DON’T KNOW HOW TO TIP people. It is really getting on my nerves. I want to just scream at these losers! I’m so sick of being asked if I know where to get tickets. NO I DON’T KNOW ANYBODY HERE, THEREFORE I DON’T KNOW WHERE TO GET THE TICKETS! LEAVE ME ALONE AND LET ME WORK! Ugh, these people are really retarded too. And they smell!! I don’t think these stoners have showered since they got here. Ewwww!! Talk about B.O. GO HOME! GET OUT OF TENNESSEE AND GO BACK TO WHERE YOU CAME FROM, HIPPIES!! UGH!!

Oh and congratulations to my friend Kalyna and her boyfriend Eddie. Kalyna brought they’re baby girl into the world Wednesday morning. Addiso Paisleigh Sotomayor. She is adorable. I am quite jealous. I wish Kalyna and Eddie the best of luck raising their beautiful little girl. XD

That’s all I got for now. Love you guys. XD

Kali

Everything is falling into place. After this past month of me feeling like crap every single day, these last couple of days have been amazing!! I have the most amazing man ever and the most amazing friends. It means a lot to me that Brandi, Brie, and Rachel drove all the way up here to be with me on the most important day of my life thus far. It means the world to me and I wish they only knew. Katie is also amazing. She is always there for me no matter what my problem is. She is the bestest friend that I could have ever hoped to have and I wish her all the best in life. And I have regained something that has been missing in my heart for the past month. Enil has stolen my heart all over again. I only hope he takes good care of it. He means so very much to me and I only have ever wanted him to be happy. I love him.

I think this is the shortest blog I’ve ever made but you know what, this is all that is going through my head right now. I don’t really have any other thoughts. I’m happier than I have been in a while. I’m thankful for what I have, I’m proud for what I’ve done, and im hopeful for the future. I love my friends and I love my man. They are all amazing. I couldn’t ask for anythign else right now.

Graduation was superfantastic!! I’m glad my friends were there, I’m glad that Enil was supportive and great about my friends staying over, I’m glad I got to see my family, even though they weren’t thrilled about seeing me. I had such a fantastic time Friday night. I love everybody right now. I don’t think there is anything that can bring me down from my happy cloud. XD

I love you all.

Kali

xoxo

Well Sgt. Whetstine has been helping me with a lot of my problems. I have so many problems I should get a “Major Issues” award. No joke! lol. Everyone is getting on my nerves.. EVERYONE! Well except for some (certain) people. I’ve been dealing with a bunch of crap lately and its really stressful….

 I love you Angie Faith! You are a strong beautiful young woman! I hope everything gets better for you. When you are as down as you can possibly be then the only way to go is up. Remember to always have faith. Trust me, it works. I love you like crazy girl. You mean the world to me.

I love you!!

Kali

Yes it is three in the morning. Yes I am still awake and yes, I have been sitting here balling my eyes out for the past three hours. Everytime he changes his mind, I am hurt in some way. I am so sick of crying for him or because of something that he has said to me. I hate hate hate this!! I need a place to live but I am not allowed to really “date” anybody else because it would make “him” feel akward and he doesn’t want that. He doesn’t want anything from me. I’m trying to figure out if we are friends at all now. I am trying to figure out what and how to make everything work. I am going to make ends meet, one way or another. I will figure something out here. We have decided on two rules. a) I will bring no guys to the apartment and he will bring no girls to the apartment. b) What happens in our lives outside of work and outside the apartment will never enter the apartment, meaning that what we do will not come up in conversation at any other given moment. If we will be able to do this or not, I don’t know. I cannot depend on him to not leave me stranded in this apartment with nothing. He can leave whenever he wants and I could end up paying 320+ a month for rent on my own. I would be up shit creek right now without a paddle. Together we can split that and be paying roughly 160 a month apeice. That is a much better price to be paying. I could pay that, buy my own food and what not, and pay my phone bill on the salary that I made at Subway. Granted, I made only 6.55 an hour and was working part time. I got paid roughly 240 every other week. So rougly 500 a month. Now Sonic I will be making 7.25 and supposed to be getting full time hours. So I will pray that I can afford this and not get left sitting on my ass with nothing. I need to open a bank account and put what I don’t use for food and rent and my phone in there. I need to save for a)my license b)my abc permit c) emergency fund d) a car or moped (which is actually what I’m going to look into getting. $600 for a new one is not a bad deal at all and neither is the miles/gallon or whatnot. its actually a very deal if all im going to do is drive around my little town of Manchester. Let’s all pray that I don’t get run over. XD

I need a friend. I need a GUY friend that can cure my loneliness that I so often feel when I am in my apartment alone. I need to get out of the apartment and try to have a goodtime. Now I wonder how often a guy friend is going to have me pay for the activities that happen? Maybe I can spend little to no money on this. My dates I think shall be spent at the park. XD I need to figure something out. I need to find a way to get rid of this terrible feeling of emptiness that has formed in my chest. Maybe working all the damn time will get the feeling out of me. I certaintly hope so.

I can’t wait to see my friends and family at graduation. This should be quite interesting. He will not be there. Katie and Allen will be there though. That is one thing. Hayley will be there as well but I know I will not be able to tell her Hello at all. Her mother would have a heart attack and try to make a scene that day. It will be ridiculous. Everything here will be ridiculous. Maybe I can see Katie tomorrow. I hope so because she brings something out in me that only my little sister Brittany has ever been able to bring out in me.

Oh lord, I am starving now. I don’t know how to get up and go to the kitchen and get food without him saying something.

I wonder who will have to get up and get ready for work first in the mornings. I pray that it will be me. Maybe I will be up and ready for work early enough. Perhaps I will stay all day. I know I probably won’t be getting off of work until midnight or so. Let’s see how this job treats me. Maybe I’ll make awesome hours and maybe I will make enough money to stand on my own little feet. I need help getting there right now. I just hope that he will be there to help me for at least a little while. What will I do if I get left randomly?

Kali